I was once depressed for some reason and couldn’t figure out any way to pull the plug on the negative activity in my head. In despair, I turned to YouTube for help!
For our generation, a best part is the abundance and availability of digital content on anything that you’re interested in. But, the ugly part is that the more solutions you get, the more problems emerge.
Therefore, it’s a vicious loop of solving our problems through Google, then creating more problems with the same solutions.
For example, we cut down trees. With that, we “fan” global warming. Then we look for solutions. Plant more trees. Then to spread awareness about green life, we print books. Use tons of paper from cutting down trees. See the point?
Anyway, When I Landed on YouTube…
I searched for “meditation for depression”. Back then, I had no clue what depression was. Or, what meditation was.
It was just a random search on the internet that any millennial would do. Right?
Well, to give you an idea of my delusion, meditation was some sort of exercise to me that would throw me into a state of absolute bliss. That’s the picture the so-called teachers sitting in the Himalayas paint, and that image my mind had nurtured for the word “meditation” for years.
As I scrolled through the YouTube search results, there I stumbled upon the video of an old-looking man from the British-styled Hindustan of the late 1900s.
He Seemed Cultured And Gentleman-like
And the video was titled something like “How to get rid of depression for good!”. Yeah, sounded close to that! What a catchy title, I hopped onto it without giving way to second thoughts.
This old man started speaking. He spoke to a huge crowd of Indian and British people, in the thousands. All listening in pin-drop silence. As I started listening, the old man started to transport me into a trance.
He clearly talked about ending depression forever.
Along with depression, his talk dwelled on the emotions of anxiety, fear, pleasure, loneliness. It was, no doubt, interesting and exotic. I grew more and more thrilled as he approached the climax because I was so sure that by the end of the video, all my psychological troubles would be gone.
However, toward the end, to my dismay, nothing much happened!
Guy Was Confident to the Core
And without a shadow of a doubt in his personality. There was plenty of vigor and sharpness in his manner. That pulled me tremendously. However, as I said, nothing major happened to me.
This video only had the effect of impressing me with this man’s powerful persona and the depth of each word that he uttered.
Though I didn’t understand much of what he said, I could tell he was talking about “Self-inquiry.” Going to the root of thought. Chasing down the root of the mind. This was a fascinating idea, of course. But, having seen the video, I had no means of enquiring into the mind afterward.
So, I decided to watch another video. This time, I paid attention to this gentleman’s name. He was Jiddu Krishnamurti!
I clicked on another video with the thumbnail saying “What is self-inquiry?”
Now This Was Something!
As I sunk into the video with Jiddu’s fresh and invigorating words, something started changing in me. I listened with so much keenness that I knew something was going to get annihilated in me that day.
By that I mean that I knew he would transform something in me. Anyway, as Jiddu Krishnamurthy was inquiring into the very root of thought and “self” I SUDDENLY felt a vacuum opened up in my head. It sucked up all my thoughts as if with an ultra-power vacuum cleaner.
This state was so intense that my eyes welled up with tears.
But this was neither happiness nor sadness. This was bliss. (I don’t like to use this cliched word “bliss” – but for the sake of language I have to use it). So, in this state, all my fears and pleasures were gone. I was NOTHING. Everything was super vivid.
I could see so clearly that I was shocked about how much power and clarity a human mind which is “without thoughts” was capable of.
(Believe it or not, in that state whatever I thought of happened to me within hours. I know you won’t believe me. Cos it is unbelievable, of course. But I don’t fib. And, that’s the truth!)
This State of Nothingness Didn’t Last
Unfortunately, it lasted only two days. I lost it. Back to normal, life was boring and sad. However, what I had felt left me with a plethora of questions. What was it? Where the hell did it come from? Where did it vanish? Can it come back?
In my desperation, I made desperate moves in all directions but to no avail. I downloaded about a hundred videos of J Krishna Murti and binge-watched them. Nothing happened! Only my phone storage was full up to its neck.
Once I was done with all the content on Jiddu Krishna Murthy, I started watching it all on repeat. This became a dangerous and excrutiatingly painful loop for me.
My friends and colleagues started calling me names. “He’s insane”. “He’s out of his mind”. “He’s a weirdo”. This was a time of so much turbulence that I can’t even begin to describe what I felt in those days. About two years passed. Life was without a single positive vibe.
One Day, I Came Back from the Office
and was shattered to the bone, both physically and mentally. I sat down on my bed and naturally closed my eyes like a worn-out junkie.
All of a sudden, like a thunder of lightning, this thought struck and plunged me into an abyss once again: “Jiddu Krishnamurti is a Piece of Shit! Why Do I Need Him to Guide Me to ‘Myself’? Don’t I Know Myself?”
This was another instant surreal experience and I found myself full, happy, uncomplaining, and content with everything around me. The next day, I trashed all the files related to Jiddu Krishnamurti on my phone.
I was brand new. Right off the production belt. Fresh and spotless. My friends saw this change in me and they were attracted to me automatically.
The way I spoke and the jokes I cracked were so wholesome that I remember a friend in the office telling me, “Why weren’t you like this before?” Of course, I couldn’t explain it to him.
The Day I Stopped Listening to Jiddu Krishnamurti
And started using my mind for myself and by myself did this transformation take place. Because now I wasn’t running after a dream of enlightenment.
*On that note: there’s no such thing as enlightenment. It’s business. It’s the carrot for the gurus to con people into funding their expensive world tours and seminars.
My true and sincere search (or inquiry) into myself began the day I said goodbye to Jiddu Krishnamurti. He was a great man. Highly sensible. Clear-headed. Wise. Honest. But he, or anybody else on this planet, could NEVER show me the way or walk my path.
This I realized the day I shut my eyes out of extreme tiredness and suddenly nothing was there for me to achieve!
Only when I got over it did I realize that this was the exact same thing that Jai Krishnamurti had been telling me (in those YouTube videos) all along.
“Nobody Will Come to Your Rescue.”
“There’s nothing that can deliver you from pain, except yourself.” “There is no external agency.” “These gurus won’t help you.” These were his words after all. But I never saw them because my perception was clouded by my desire for freedom!
It’s been five years since this thundering transformation occurred. What happened to me when I first listened to J. Krishnamurthi, I don’t know! There was nothingness, yes!
Yes, It was a strange and unknown realm that I had dropped into. But, I’ve never ever tried to reach that place again.
That’s something that only fate can decide for you.
The more you strive to reach that blissful state the more troubled you become. That for me is a clear no-go area now. All I do now is inquire for myself and by myself, whether it’s a question of belief, spirituality, politics, business, love and relationships. (*I seek external help on technical subjects only)
And You Know What?
Taking charge of your life and answering serious life questions with sincerity and earnestness is something only you can do for yourself. All else is empty parroting and copycatting those who YOU think are better than you.
This is what it means to be yourself and being true to yourself.
If you’re sincerely serious about the real questions of life. Stop listening to the gurus. They are great people (not all though) but they found the truth for themselves. My truth is mine, not yours. You need to find yours.
To achieve a sense of clarity about anything, to uncover truths, to arrive at definitive conclusions, I do self-inquiry. I question MYSELF. It has liberated me in essence.
That’s what you should do too!
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(Authored by Zyad Al Haka)
